Over the past few months, we’ve asked for a lot of prayers. We’ve faced challenges with Julie’s pregnancy and worried about the safety of the babies, lost a child, and worried constantly about the health of the surviving two triplets. As we continue on the journey, we ask for continued prayers and people wonder what they should be praying for. We usually aren’t sure how to answer, partly because we may not fully understand what they need to get better and partly because their situation is so dynamic that information is outdated by the time we tell people.
So here is what people can pray for:
Pray for the hospital staff – the neonatologists, fellows, nurse practitioners, nurses, nurses’ aids, respiratory therapists, pharmacists and all other care providers. Pray that they may use their experience and education, and the knowledge of their colleagues to provide the care that Hazel and Grant need to get better.
Pray for the medicine and equipment – that everything being used provides the right timing and dosage to fight infections or conditions that are hampering the babies’ progress.
Pray for family and friends, who worry about our children and are there to support us, that they may have strength and be comforted when we are able to provide positive news of improvements.
Pray for Hazel and Grant; that they might continue fighting and never give up. That they may rest so they can grow and develop. Pray that they will be able to conquer their ailments. Pray that they are not lonely or scared but feel the care and love they are surrounded by.
Pray for Julie and me, that we might provide Hazel and Grant the comfort and love they need as part of the healing process. Pray that we can get our life organized and prepare a home for the kids to call their own when they leave the hospital.
What’s with the title of this post? The best way to put it is to say I feel like a liar lately. Just to be clear, I generally don’t lie, and I haven’t lied on this blog, and I am not confessing to any lies here. Rather, I feel like every time I tell our story that I am making it all up. When I tell people what is going on lately, in the back of my head I feel like they are thinking they can see through my completely made-up story. To me, the whole situation and everything that has happened feels like it is only a figment of my imagination.
Maybe I haven’t fully come to terms with Marissa’s death, as if just thinking she is still with us would make it so. I miss her so much every day. I also don’t think I’ve fully grasped the concept that I still have two kids that depend on me. I have no idea how much my life has changed. And none of this feels like it really happened to me. I think: maybe it was a movie I watched, or the story of a friend of mine who went through this – but not me.
It’s Father’s Day weekend. I don’t feel like a dad yet, as I haven’t even changed a diaper, comforted one of them to sleep, fed or bathed them. I haven’t taught them something or disciplined either. Whether I tell people I am the father of triplets or keep it simple and just say twins, it hasn’t all sunk in.
I look at our kids, in their isolettes, and see them starting to open their eyes. They haven’t quite opened enough so I can see anything more than shadows between their eyelids, and I can’t wait to see their eyes and hear their little cries. I am amazed at the fact that Julie and I have brought children into this world. I am saddened by everything they are going through now, but I have hope that everything will make them stronger.
I’m sure this post seems all dreary and depressing, so let me try to turn that around. Right now I feel like a liar, and I’ve made up this whole story. So I have something to prove. I need to prove I am there for my kids and for Julie. I need to love them, support them, guide them and give them whatever they need. I need to prove myself as a father and earn the title of dad. I need to keep the memory of Marissa alive, as I move forward in my life with my new family. I will be inspired by them, and they will help me write the next chapter in this story, and I will know it all to be the truth.
Being an expectant mother of triplets makes me so joyful. I’ve been wanting children for so long, struggled with infertility for nearly five years, and my dreams are finally being realized. But it is still so hard. Being in the hospital puts our minds at ease, knowing that the babies are being monitored twice daily and there are people who can help in an instant if it is needed. We are getting education as to what to expect if they are born within the next week or two and each week that I’m here benefits the babies – the longer I am here, the better. So far the care I have been receiving is wonderful – the doctors and nurses have been great. Although these things are all good, there are times its hard emotionally. I am missing family, my dog, and my home terribly. Doing what is best for the babies is what matters the most, but it doesn’t change the fact of what I face every day.
There is a time in my life I didn’t think I would be able to celebrate mother’s day from the perspective of being a mom, and this is the first time I will be able to do that. Even though the babies haven’t been born yet, I feel like the care that I’ve been giving them and the love I have for them defines motherhood. Even though I haven’t had the full experience raising babies/kids, I’ve already received mother’s day cards and flowers, making it official.
I have already had a few visitors, which really helps the time go by. I won’t publish my location on this blog, but if you would like to visit me, feel free to email, text or call me or Ryan and we’ll let you know where to find me. Some times of the day are busy with baby monitoring, doctors and meeting with other staff so it’s always good to arrange a visit ahead of time.
Many times, Julie has felt the babies kicking. When I am around, she calls me over to try to feel it. I rush over, place my hands on her belly and… nothing. I always miss it.
Until today. Julie asked if my hands were full, and I noticed she had her own hands on her belly. I went over, hopeful as always but without high expectations. Then there were two taps! Another moment later, a much stronger kick. It was such an incredible experience for me. I had a big smile on my face, and it really made my day. After all the recent worries about the babies and Julie being placed on bed rest, this was a happy moment that we both needed.