What’s with the title of this post? The best way to put it is to say I feel like a liar lately. Just to be clear, I generally don’t lie, and I haven’t lied on this blog, and I am not confessing to any lies here. Rather, I feel like every time I tell our story that I am making it all up. When I tell people what is going on lately, in the back of my head I feel like they are thinking they can see through my completely made-up story. To me, the whole situation and everything that has happened feels like it is only a figment of my imagination.
Maybe I haven’t fully come to terms with Marissa’s death, as if just thinking she is still with us would make it so. I miss her so much every day. I also don’t think I’ve fully grasped the concept that I still have two kids that depend on me. I have no idea how much my life has changed. And none of this feels like it really happened to me. I think: maybe it was a movie I watched, or the story of a friend of mine who went through this – but not me.
It’s Father’s Day weekend. I don’t feel like a dad yet, as I haven’t even changed a diaper, comforted one of them to sleep, fed or bathed them. I haven’t taught them something or disciplined either. Whether I tell people I am the father of triplets or keep it simple and just say twins, it hasn’t all sunk in.
I look at our kids, in their isolettes, and see them starting to open their eyes. They haven’t quite opened enough so I can see anything more than shadows between their eyelids, and I can’t wait to see their eyes and hear their little cries. I am amazed at the fact that Julie and I have brought children into this world. I am saddened by everything they are going through now, but I have hope that everything will make them stronger.
I’m sure this post seems all dreary and depressing, so let me try to turn that around. Right now I feel like a liar, and I’ve made up this whole story. So I have something to prove. I need to prove I am there for my kids and for Julie. I need to love them, support them, guide them and give them whatever they need. I need to prove myself as a father and earn the title of dad. I need to keep the memory of Marissa alive, as I move forward in my life with my new family. I will be inspired by them, and they will help me write the next chapter in this story, and I will know it all to be the truth.